Various Things On My Mind

So if you've come here, you've come here on your own. You are not forced to see my opinions and views when you log onto a site, unless you so choose. So before you go on, let me share some truths and then you can decide whether you wish to continue or whether or not you like me... and I say that with the gentlest of voices.

First, I'm a male human being. I was born that way and wish to remain that way. I am a half Mexican and Caucasian born of unwed parents. A bastard by certain people's standards. I was born with a cleft lip and pallet and thus not a perfectly symmetrically faced person. I have brown hair and brown eyes. No, this is not my dating profile, I'm married... and to a beautiful woman who is type 1 diabetic. Have I scared you away yet? No? Then let's continue.

I've made mistakes in my past, I've hurt people (emotionally), and have thought bad things about people. I've been selfish. I was born and still live in Texas, but I do not consider myself a Republican or a Democrat. I prefer no affiliation, but hope those in power are doing their best for the good of humanity and not themselves. I live in Austin, the city some would say is the liberal hippie town of Texas. The black sheep. I'm 25 and currently do not have a college degree, but I am close. I screwed up the first time and the University of Texas sent me packing. Have you written me off yet? Let's see if this will do it.

I love God and I love Jesus. Maybe not the God or Jesus you think of when you hear those names, but the true nature of who They really are. The God and Jesus that cannot be packaged, marketed, or warped to fit one's way of life. Or maybe you think They are just made up to begin with and They don't exist at all. A made up system to keep humanity in line or explain the unknown. In all honesty, I can't truly convince you otherwise, but the truth can be revealed to you and I stand by that wholeheartedly. Maybe you don't disagree with me. How about this?

I've failed God in so many ways. I've let Him down and I've acted in ways that are opposite of His character. I'm sure I've even given people a reason to have a bad taste in their mouth about God or Jesus through my words or actions that display the opposite of who He is. Like I said before, I've thought bad things about people, this includes those Christ calls my brothers and sisters. I doubt, worry and fear. I'm my toughest critic, but my laziest disciplinarian. Do you hate me now?

I like music, movies, meat and friends I can be myself around. I drive a car, but do my best to recycle and be green in various ways I can be. I have my favorite sports teams and those I don't like which are probably different than yours. I believe we were all made in God's image and all share uniqueness with Him... whether we're tall, short, white, brown, red, purple or anything else. I believe there is beauty in the cultures of this world, even if they don't all point directly to God or Jesus or if I don't agree with their specific beliefs or methods. If you love Him, look for Him... He's in there... how can He not be. Surely by now, you've decided you don't like me for some reason right?

I try to eat healthy, but not always. I'm not fat and I'm not thin, but my goal is to be fit and not ripped, shredded or swole. I like to be goofy and sometimes wish I could spend the day outside instead of at work. My boss sometimes frustrates me and so does her assistant. I get frustrated at things sometimes. I try my best to hope and see the good in people, but sometimes fail at that. I once lived in a trailer park, and I feel sad when my harmless family sometimes will say racist things having grown up in the South. I'm thankful to God for showing me what was wrong with that even before I really knew. I love many of the aspects of Asian culture such as honor, respect, family bonds, being in tune with your body and respecting the earth and the artistry. Have I offended you yet? Am I the guy you thought I was?

I'm not very manly... at least not in worldly terms. Most of what I know about "man" things have come from Google and not my father. This sometimes makes me insecure. Both of my parents are broken people who've failed me in a lot of ways, but they are certainly not the worst and I know in their own messed up way, they care about me. One of my sisters lists me and my wife as her heroes alongside Jesus. Not sure if that's a title I live up to, especially considering the company I'm listed with. Have you quit reading yet?

I long to speak my heart and not my mind because my mind has failed me many times, but my heart has always done pretty good. Probably because I do my best to listen to the Holy Spirit inside me. When I think of heaven, I begin to cry not because of the indescribable beauty that it will be, but because I know I don't belong there but will still be welcomed because of Jesus. Yes, I'm a man and sometimes cry even at the little stuff like the movie "Up" (the good and the sad parts). Surely, by now you've found sometime you dislike about me. Even if it's just the fact that I've gone on for this long.

I'm sure I could have a ton of people post replies saying how much they do in fact dislike or hate me or wish to not be my friend or maybe no one will post. Maybe I'll get a bunch of nice, fluffy posts from people who think I'm sad and need encouragement or friendship. But this is not about any of that.

Despite all the sadness of this world, all the sadness that is created by this world and the sadness it brings me when I'm not successfully trying to drown it out, I can only lean on God. I believe in the illogical and hope for the impossible.

Whether you hate me or not does not matter. My desire is for God to speak through me and in me as the person He created me to be and for all my worldly thoughts and opinions to be put to the side.