Check out my new blog "Around the News". It's a spin-off of sorts from this blog. I wanted to keep this one for me and my random thoughts and decided to give this new "Around the News" series its own little place to hang out. Enjoy!
http://whospilledcoffeeonmy.blogspot.com
P.S. I'll still keep up with this one as my random personal blog
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Various Things On My Mind
So if you've come here, you've come here on your own. You are not forced to see my opinions and views when you log onto a site, unless you so choose. So before you go on, let me share some truths and then you can decide whether you wish to continue or whether or not you like me... and I say that with the gentlest of voices.
First, I'm a male human being. I was born that way and wish to remain that way. I am a half Mexican and Caucasian born of unwed parents. A bastard by certain people's standards. I was born with a cleft lip and pallet and thus not a perfectly symmetrically faced person. I have brown hair and brown eyes. No, this is not my dating profile, I'm married... and to a beautiful woman who is type 1 diabetic. Have I scared you away yet? No? Then let's continue.
I've made mistakes in my past, I've hurt people (emotionally), and have thought bad things about people. I've been selfish. I was born and still live in Texas, but I do not consider myself a Republican or a Democrat. I prefer no affiliation, but hope those in power are doing their best for the good of humanity and not themselves. I live in Austin, the city some would say is the liberal hippie town of Texas. The black sheep. I'm 25 and currently do not have a college degree, but I am close. I screwed up the first time and the University of Texas sent me packing. Have you written me off yet? Let's see if this will do it.
I love God and I love Jesus. Maybe not the God or Jesus you think of when you hear those names, but the true nature of who They really are. The God and Jesus that cannot be packaged, marketed, or warped to fit one's way of life. Or maybe you think They are just made up to begin with and They don't exist at all. A made up system to keep humanity in line or explain the unknown. In all honesty, I can't truly convince you otherwise, but the truth can be revealed to you and I stand by that wholeheartedly. Maybe you don't disagree with me. How about this?
I've failed God in so many ways. I've let Him down and I've acted in ways that are opposite of His character. I'm sure I've even given people a reason to have a bad taste in their mouth about God or Jesus through my words or actions that display the opposite of who He is. Like I said before, I've thought bad things about people, this includes those Christ calls my brothers and sisters. I doubt, worry and fear. I'm my toughest critic, but my laziest disciplinarian. Do you hate me now?
I like music, movies, meat and friends I can be myself around. I drive a car, but do my best to recycle and be green in various ways I can be. I have my favorite sports teams and those I don't like which are probably different than yours. I believe we were all made in God's image and all share uniqueness with Him... whether we're tall, short, white, brown, red, purple or anything else. I believe there is beauty in the cultures of this world, even if they don't all point directly to God or Jesus or if I don't agree with their specific beliefs or methods. If you love Him, look for Him... He's in there... how can He not be. Surely by now, you've decided you don't like me for some reason right?
I try to eat healthy, but not always. I'm not fat and I'm not thin, but my goal is to be fit and not ripped, shredded or swole. I like to be goofy and sometimes wish I could spend the day outside instead of at work. My boss sometimes frustrates me and so does her assistant. I get frustrated at things sometimes. I try my best to hope and see the good in people, but sometimes fail at that. I once lived in a trailer park, and I feel sad when my harmless family sometimes will say racist things having grown up in the South. I'm thankful to God for showing me what was wrong with that even before I really knew. I love many of the aspects of Asian culture such as honor, respect, family bonds, being in tune with your body and respecting the earth and the artistry. Have I offended you yet? Am I the guy you thought I was?
I'm not very manly... at least not in worldly terms. Most of what I know about "man" things have come from Google and not my father. This sometimes makes me insecure. Both of my parents are broken people who've failed me in a lot of ways, but they are certainly not the worst and I know in their own messed up way, they care about me. One of my sisters lists me and my wife as her heroes alongside Jesus. Not sure if that's a title I live up to, especially considering the company I'm listed with. Have you quit reading yet?
I long to speak my heart and not my mind because my mind has failed me many times, but my heart has always done pretty good. Probably because I do my best to listen to the Holy Spirit inside me. When I think of heaven, I begin to cry not because of the indescribable beauty that it will be, but because I know I don't belong there but will still be welcomed because of Jesus. Yes, I'm a man and sometimes cry even at the little stuff like the movie "Up" (the good and the sad parts). Surely, by now you've found sometime you dislike about me. Even if it's just the fact that I've gone on for this long.
I'm sure I could have a ton of people post replies saying how much they do in fact dislike or hate me or wish to not be my friend or maybe no one will post. Maybe I'll get a bunch of nice, fluffy posts from people who think I'm sad and need encouragement or friendship. But this is not about any of that.
Despite all the sadness of this world, all the sadness that is created by this world and the sadness it brings me when I'm not successfully trying to drown it out, I can only lean on God. I believe in the illogical and hope for the impossible.
Whether you hate me or not does not matter. My desire is for God to speak through me and in me as the person He created me to be and for all my worldly thoughts and opinions to be put to the side.
First, I'm a male human being. I was born that way and wish to remain that way. I am a half Mexican and Caucasian born of unwed parents. A bastard by certain people's standards. I was born with a cleft lip and pallet and thus not a perfectly symmetrically faced person. I have brown hair and brown eyes. No, this is not my dating profile, I'm married... and to a beautiful woman who is type 1 diabetic. Have I scared you away yet? No? Then let's continue.
I've made mistakes in my past, I've hurt people (emotionally), and have thought bad things about people. I've been selfish. I was born and still live in Texas, but I do not consider myself a Republican or a Democrat. I prefer no affiliation, but hope those in power are doing their best for the good of humanity and not themselves. I live in Austin, the city some would say is the liberal hippie town of Texas. The black sheep. I'm 25 and currently do not have a college degree, but I am close. I screwed up the first time and the University of Texas sent me packing. Have you written me off yet? Let's see if this will do it.
I love God and I love Jesus. Maybe not the God or Jesus you think of when you hear those names, but the true nature of who They really are. The God and Jesus that cannot be packaged, marketed, or warped to fit one's way of life. Or maybe you think They are just made up to begin with and They don't exist at all. A made up system to keep humanity in line or explain the unknown. In all honesty, I can't truly convince you otherwise, but the truth can be revealed to you and I stand by that wholeheartedly. Maybe you don't disagree with me. How about this?
I've failed God in so many ways. I've let Him down and I've acted in ways that are opposite of His character. I'm sure I've even given people a reason to have a bad taste in their mouth about God or Jesus through my words or actions that display the opposite of who He is. Like I said before, I've thought bad things about people, this includes those Christ calls my brothers and sisters. I doubt, worry and fear. I'm my toughest critic, but my laziest disciplinarian. Do you hate me now?
I like music, movies, meat and friends I can be myself around. I drive a car, but do my best to recycle and be green in various ways I can be. I have my favorite sports teams and those I don't like which are probably different than yours. I believe we were all made in God's image and all share uniqueness with Him... whether we're tall, short, white, brown, red, purple or anything else. I believe there is beauty in the cultures of this world, even if they don't all point directly to God or Jesus or if I don't agree with their specific beliefs or methods. If you love Him, look for Him... He's in there... how can He not be. Surely by now, you've decided you don't like me for some reason right?
I try to eat healthy, but not always. I'm not fat and I'm not thin, but my goal is to be fit and not ripped, shredded or swole. I like to be goofy and sometimes wish I could spend the day outside instead of at work. My boss sometimes frustrates me and so does her assistant. I get frustrated at things sometimes. I try my best to hope and see the good in people, but sometimes fail at that. I once lived in a trailer park, and I feel sad when my harmless family sometimes will say racist things having grown up in the South. I'm thankful to God for showing me what was wrong with that even before I really knew. I love many of the aspects of Asian culture such as honor, respect, family bonds, being in tune with your body and respecting the earth and the artistry. Have I offended you yet? Am I the guy you thought I was?
I'm not very manly... at least not in worldly terms. Most of what I know about "man" things have come from Google and not my father. This sometimes makes me insecure. Both of my parents are broken people who've failed me in a lot of ways, but they are certainly not the worst and I know in their own messed up way, they care about me. One of my sisters lists me and my wife as her heroes alongside Jesus. Not sure if that's a title I live up to, especially considering the company I'm listed with. Have you quit reading yet?
I long to speak my heart and not my mind because my mind has failed me many times, but my heart has always done pretty good. Probably because I do my best to listen to the Holy Spirit inside me. When I think of heaven, I begin to cry not because of the indescribable beauty that it will be, but because I know I don't belong there but will still be welcomed because of Jesus. Yes, I'm a man and sometimes cry even at the little stuff like the movie "Up" (the good and the sad parts). Surely, by now you've found sometime you dislike about me. Even if it's just the fact that I've gone on for this long.
I'm sure I could have a ton of people post replies saying how much they do in fact dislike or hate me or wish to not be my friend or maybe no one will post. Maybe I'll get a bunch of nice, fluffy posts from people who think I'm sad and need encouragement or friendship. But this is not about any of that.
Despite all the sadness of this world, all the sadness that is created by this world and the sadness it brings me when I'm not successfully trying to drown it out, I can only lean on God. I believe in the illogical and hope for the impossible.
Whether you hate me or not does not matter. My desire is for God to speak through me and in me as the person He created me to be and for all my worldly thoughts and opinions to be put to the side.
Monday, October 19, 2009
The Box I Built for God...
How did the Creator of the universe, the Architect of humanity, my Savior, the great I AM, and all the other countless names and descriptions associated with God, become this whimsical ghost, friendly helper, and limited God? I have "defined" God within my terms and do or do not do according to the God I've made Him to be rather than the God He is.
The Box I Built for God as my Father:
I have become convinced that fathers play an important and vital role in any child's life. This in no way to diminish the role of mothers or to start a debate of gender responsibility, child bearing, and the like. In marriage, men are called to be the head, just as Christ is the head of the church. A terrifying and humbling idea when you stop and think about what that means. Leadership, strength, obedience, service, humility, faith, discipline, and all the rest of the traits that one can use to describe Christ. Naturally, this leadership and service would extend beyond the confines of husband and wife, but to children of that family. Parents provide warmth, comfort, protection, food and direction. The first characteristics of God that a child sees when they enter this world. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. We live in a fallen and broken world where our own selfish desires take priority. Why? Because it's too much, more than we can handle on our own and that's why we need Him.
But who is He? What can He do? How much does He love us? Does He even love us? Maybe He just doesn't love me... and if He does, what if He decides not to anymore? Or maybe you're outlook is not that grim and He's just that magic genie who will grant your every wish and if He does not... then maybe He's not as powerful as He seems or maybe you don't believe enough for your wishes to be granted.
I don't know if this applies for all, but I feel that maybe it does. I'm no theologian, I have no seminary education (in fact, I'm still shy of my regular bachelor's), I wouldn't be in any preferred Christian clubs if they existed (real or unspoken), so all I have is what little wisdom I have from growing up in church and what God has placed on my heart and this has weighed on me as of late. Who I've made God out to be is a blend of what I've been taught, what has been revealed to me in church, my time with God... and who I am as a son of my earthly father.
Like I mentioned, I feel that parents, especially fathers, are to be an earthly representation of who God is... how we are to be loved, valued, cared for, protected, disciplined, guided, and shown how to love and honor God. With that said, I've realized how I interact with God and how that so strongly reflects how I relate with my flawed earthly father. I won't go into my father and his flaws because we are all flawed, but I have seen where God is not him and how I need to separate God from that.
The reason I write this is because I know I'm not the only one. I've seen it in my wife and in others as they worship and pray. It's not always bad though, and this isn't a father bashing session, but a realization of what "father" means and who God needs to be in our lives as the Father. I've seen people view God as friend, King, unmerciful ruler, strong, weak, lover, unloving, non-present, always there, not powerful enough, all powerful, Daddy, acquaintance, scholar, simple man,Mr. Fix-it, disappointed and unsatisfied, backup, last resort, protector, gentle strength, manly, womanly, laid back, strict, killer, Savior, prankster, non-responsive, childish, stuffy, hippie, judging, accepting, Republican, Democrat, Liberal, peacemaker, warmonger, lucky, unlucky, selfish, selfless, present, non-existent, lazy, hardworking, unconditional, conditional, bound to fail, unfailing, and so many more. So many times these views are created by the earthly fathers we have.
For me... I torture myself to please God, not to glorify Him, but for His "acceptance", though I am already His. I fear and hate failure, yet tear myself down the moment it happens. I wait to be made "perfect" so I can be worth something to Him. I leave Him to do my own thing, because I'm used to learning and figuring things out on my own. Because of this I leave Him at church and in my bible and isolate myself. I find comfort in solitude, but long for His companionship and discipleship. I long for Him to hold me in His arms and hug me, not metaphorically like a warm breeze, but physically. I want Him walking next to me and I actually want to look over and actually see Him.
I know for a fact that I will be a flawed father one day, but I hope and pray that I can exemplify enough of God for my family to see Him and to seek Him to know who He is and how much greater He is than me and that my flaws do not reflect who He is.
"God I need to believe that you love me and accept me for who I am now. You love me in sin and in failure. You lead me when there is total darkness and I feel alone and all I have is the light at my feet... not knowing what the next step will hold. I don't want to just touch your cloak, but to run and hug you tightly... and if I am unable to run to know that you will run after me. I pray that you will not let me close my mind to who You are and all that You are. Let me see Your truth and not what has been presented before me. I want the Holy Spirit to be my guide and not question where we are going and when we'll get there. I want to live more than a pop culture trend, the American dream, a social networking status, a "good life", or recognition of the world. Let me have faith to close my eyes, open wide my arms. Give me strength in You and in You alone. Let me please You and not the world. Let me see the facets of Your Fatherhood. Thank you for your forgiveness. Show me the way. Amen"
The Box I Built for God as my Father:
I have become convinced that fathers play an important and vital role in any child's life. This in no way to diminish the role of mothers or to start a debate of gender responsibility, child bearing, and the like. In marriage, men are called to be the head, just as Christ is the head of the church. A terrifying and humbling idea when you stop and think about what that means. Leadership, strength, obedience, service, humility, faith, discipline, and all the rest of the traits that one can use to describe Christ. Naturally, this leadership and service would extend beyond the confines of husband and wife, but to children of that family. Parents provide warmth, comfort, protection, food and direction. The first characteristics of God that a child sees when they enter this world. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. We live in a fallen and broken world where our own selfish desires take priority. Why? Because it's too much, more than we can handle on our own and that's why we need Him.
But who is He? What can He do? How much does He love us? Does He even love us? Maybe He just doesn't love me... and if He does, what if He decides not to anymore? Or maybe you're outlook is not that grim and He's just that magic genie who will grant your every wish and if He does not... then maybe He's not as powerful as He seems or maybe you don't believe enough for your wishes to be granted.
I don't know if this applies for all, but I feel that maybe it does. I'm no theologian, I have no seminary education (in fact, I'm still shy of my regular bachelor's), I wouldn't be in any preferred Christian clubs if they existed (real or unspoken), so all I have is what little wisdom I have from growing up in church and what God has placed on my heart and this has weighed on me as of late. Who I've made God out to be is a blend of what I've been taught, what has been revealed to me in church, my time with God... and who I am as a son of my earthly father.
Like I mentioned, I feel that parents, especially fathers, are to be an earthly representation of who God is... how we are to be loved, valued, cared for, protected, disciplined, guided, and shown how to love and honor God. With that said, I've realized how I interact with God and how that so strongly reflects how I relate with my flawed earthly father. I won't go into my father and his flaws because we are all flawed, but I have seen where God is not him and how I need to separate God from that.
The reason I write this is because I know I'm not the only one. I've seen it in my wife and in others as they worship and pray. It's not always bad though, and this isn't a father bashing session, but a realization of what "father" means and who God needs to be in our lives as the Father. I've seen people view God as friend, King, unmerciful ruler, strong, weak, lover, unloving, non-present, always there, not powerful enough, all powerful, Daddy, acquaintance, scholar, simple man,Mr. Fix-it, disappointed and unsatisfied, backup, last resort, protector, gentle strength, manly, womanly, laid back, strict, killer, Savior, prankster, non-responsive, childish, stuffy, hippie, judging, accepting, Republican, Democrat, Liberal, peacemaker, warmonger, lucky, unlucky, selfish, selfless, present, non-existent, lazy, hardworking, unconditional, conditional, bound to fail, unfailing, and so many more. So many times these views are created by the earthly fathers we have.
For me... I torture myself to please God, not to glorify Him, but for His "acceptance", though I am already His. I fear and hate failure, yet tear myself down the moment it happens. I wait to be made "perfect" so I can be worth something to Him. I leave Him to do my own thing, because I'm used to learning and figuring things out on my own. Because of this I leave Him at church and in my bible and isolate myself. I find comfort in solitude, but long for His companionship and discipleship. I long for Him to hold me in His arms and hug me, not metaphorically like a warm breeze, but physically. I want Him walking next to me and I actually want to look over and actually see Him.
I know for a fact that I will be a flawed father one day, but I hope and pray that I can exemplify enough of God for my family to see Him and to seek Him to know who He is and how much greater He is than me and that my flaws do not reflect who He is.
"God I need to believe that you love me and accept me for who I am now. You love me in sin and in failure. You lead me when there is total darkness and I feel alone and all I have is the light at my feet... not knowing what the next step will hold. I don't want to just touch your cloak, but to run and hug you tightly... and if I am unable to run to know that you will run after me. I pray that you will not let me close my mind to who You are and all that You are. Let me see Your truth and not what has been presented before me. I want the Holy Spirit to be my guide and not question where we are going and when we'll get there. I want to live more than a pop culture trend, the American dream, a social networking status, a "good life", or recognition of the world. Let me have faith to close my eyes, open wide my arms. Give me strength in You and in You alone. Let me please You and not the world. Let me see the facets of Your Fatherhood. Thank you for your forgiveness. Show me the way. Amen"
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