Life on Pause and the Batteries are Dead

So I thought I would do a personal post as I've revived my writing website after some time away from it.

Check it out here: http://jrwoods.snappages.com

In about one week, it will have been one year since my college graduation and like many college graduates over the past few years, I'm exactly where I started before I graduated. Thankfully, I have a job that pays the bills.  While I know many out there are not as fortunate, it's still hard to sit idly by with no prospects of anything new. We go to school, study hard and make good grades to make it into college. From there we study some more and maybe party as well, all with the hope of graduating and getting a degree  that is believed to "open doors". We bounce around a bit from job to job and hopefully find that career that makes us feel pretty good. Something we can at least tolerate for 40 plus hours a week. For me (and my wife), that's something that is still being sought after.

Unfortunately, with our modern economy it seems like we're all stuck on pause. This not to say that I haven't tried to dig myself out of the mud. As in my last post, I made an attempt at fire fighting with no luck. I was just a bit too much "Batman" and not enough "Superman" on paper for their liking. The next attempt was a couple of applications with no call backs. And the most recent attempt at a change was a complete tease. The job was listed as paying in a range less than what I make to more than what I make. As any logical person would conclude, had I gotten an interview and done well, you'd expect I'd be offered either my current pay or better. Well, as it turned out, I did get an interview and made the top of the list, yet the pay changed and not for the better. The offer was for less than my current salary. I had no choice, but to turn it down. Still on pause.

Changing gears, my wife and I have also gotten antsy feet in wanting to move out of our neighborhood and our state. With 100 degree plus days nearly every day this summer, we are wanting something different. Maybe even another country. What has happened to the world of adventure? It almost seems like the world is boxing us in more and more. It almost feels like a modern day '1984' (the book) where any sense of adventure, change or uniqueness is all out of reach or dead.

I won't lie, it's been hard... and yes, I realize how blessed I am in many things, but I find it hard to believe that this is it. A job with steady pay is nice, a home with superficial things are nice, but I care more about a life of joy rather than being a machine. My wife brings me joy and my dog makes me smile. I'm blessed for sure, but I want us to live a life that is fulfilling and not just routine.

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So while I wait for life and the economy to get back in gear, I'm doing the one thing I know I can do that maybe, just maybe, can help get us out of this slump... writing! Yes, I know it's a long shot, but I've played most of the cards I have (which aren't many).

The Friendly Truth

Over a series of events and information lately, I've been taking a deeper look into my world (the world as a whole, my country, my city, my neighborhood, my world of friends and people around me, and myself). As far as the world geographically and socially, long story short, it is broken tremendously. Just see my previous post for just one example. As a result of taking survey of these things my hope in things has been shaken. Though I know the end is supposed to be bad before Christ returns, I also know that He has given me this trait of hopefulness for a reason (though I'm not always sure why).

[DETOUR] Yes, I'm what some would call a Christian, though I try not to be what you might think of as "Christian". What does that mean? That means I don't hate you and do my best (which is sometimes not great) to love you... either directly or indirectly. Is it because I'm trying to get you to "drink the kool-aid"? No. Whether you believe it or not, God is real and He really did send Himself in the form of man in Jesus. It's true and I don't mean that arrogantly, but just cut and dry fact. As a redeemed and adopted son of God, Jesus really only gave me one job. That's to love. Not collect money from you, tell you you're gonna burn in hell, not give you a bunch of rules to live by because my flawed self thinks their good, judge you or force anything else on you. Yes, I may honestly not like some of your actions or lifestyle choices, but I still care about you the person. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but how many of your friends, family or loved ones have a favorite movie, band, song, or food you just don't like, but you still love that person. Anyway... detour over. [pulls back onto the highway]

The funny thing is that God sees these times when my hope is fading and usually presents something to me to restore my hope and it's usually the most obscure of things. It's usually not some worship song, bible verse, or sermon but just some instance of life that just stirs me up. In this case it was just a friendly wall-to-wall exchange between two Facebook friends. Two people, honestly, I could not tell you what is going on in their life outside what I could discover from a profile page.

In our recent world of social networking, our world is becoming more connected and disconnected at the same time. Just focusing on Facebook, one can be "friends" with tons of people; actual friends, acquaintances, co-workers, strangers, companies, etc. Through that and actual human interactions I've been able to look around and look back assessing the idea of friendship. It's been eye-opening to say the least. Those who I would think would be my closest friends either have fallen away, never were, or I've done poorly at keeping up with... though there are a few exceptions. To be honest, most of them are Christian, people I call brothers and sisters. People I've prayed with, spent large amounts of time with, and shared life stories with. What better bond or common interest than the creator of all things, God. On the other side, I have the people I barely know, went to school with, work(ed) with or for, or only know what I know about them from their profile page.  What's strange and stirring is that between these two (minus of course my few close friends, a few exceptions, my wife and family), it is the latter that I have felt the most encouraged by and cared for... or at the very least recognized. It's crazy really, but not extremely shocking when I think about it.

We as Christians (whatever that may look like to you) tend to be the harshest critics and judges of each other. I know I'm guilty as well and it breaks my heart to know that I've done it. Instead of forming amazing bonds through Christ, we compete and put on shows. We're either too afraid to share our opinions for fear of judgment and not being "Christian-enough" or spend so much time squashing others' views. We're not raw and real because maybe if a church member were to see us curse, drink, listen to or watch something  secular, maybe we're not really Christian. Now, yes there are limits and moderation with those but add in the human judgmental nature of whose more attractive, has more money, or kisses your butt more and one begins to wonder what friendship actually looks like. Now, I'm not bashing everyone I've ever known who is Christian or painting myself as the be all end all of friends, but just sharing an observation of the last several years. If anything, social networking has shown me the people I missed way back when and their beautiful humanity, the people I've lost along the way, the handful that never were, the people I wish were back in or more in the picture, and the potential friendships ahead--both Christian and not.

So to the two Facebook friends mentioned above. Thanks. Our paths have not crossed for some time, but I was encouraged by your public exchange and sorry that I've missed out on some awesome people that I apparently seem to share a lot with.

The goal now is to do more beyond clicking "Like" next to your status and living life outside the box. Raw, real and in person (when possible).

What Keeps Us Alive Is Probably Killing Us!

So I've always had my reservations about big business and those with lots of money and power. I've also, over the last several year, been a little leery about food products, trying to find organic when I could, but not sweating it too much. I always figured I was just trying to prevent myself from eating extra preservatives my body didn't need.

Over the past several weeks my wife has been really getting into gardening and growing our own vegetables. Something that has been a progression from our joint plan of eating better and healthier foods. A few weeks ago, to compliment our growing observation of food, we started watching 'Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution' on ABC. While I've always known cafeteria food for students was crappy, it was amazing to see how much worse it has gotten and how the school systems and "powers that be" continue to force it on students. It didn't help that parents contribute by setting examples of poor food choices at home. Long story short, Amy and I were surprised how little people knew about healthy foods, eating right, and what food was what. One classroom of kids could not identify a potato!

Last weekend, Amy and I went to a Green Living Expo here in Austin, more out of recreation than learning new things. Before I begin, let me just tell you. Yes, I live in Austin, but have never considered myself some sort of Austin hippie especially having grown up in Houston. My pants are full length, my hair color is natural, I have no tattoos, no piercings, and most days am clean shaven. Now you know I'm not someone who is gonna go tell you to make out with a tree, let's proceed.

During the expo, we got the privilege to screen an independent film called, 'Fresh'. Later that day we rented 'Food Inc.' having heard about through various sources. I won't go into the details of the films, but I will recommend going to each film's site and reading up about it and watching them for yourselves. Needless to say I always kind of knew what modern day farms looked like and generally accepted it, but after these two movies I realized just how bad and criminal our food system really is. This isn't just call PETA and save the animals type of stuff. No, this is form a militia (because the government knows about it), call on God to rain fire from the sky type criminal. Forget terrorism, our own country (government and big business) is almost literally killing and abusing us (and others) and making the most profit they can in the process.

If you are new to this, I would recommend 'Fresh' first as it is a little lighter and more positive about supporting local farmers and seeking out local, organic foods while providing some of the truths I've alluded to. If you are ready for raw truth and a gut check to how you look at food, then proceed with 'Food Inc.' This is our food and the food of future generations. Unacceptable!

The Box I Built for God...

How did the Creator of the universe, the Architect of humanity, my Savior, the great I AM, and all the other countless names and descriptions associated with God, become this whimsical ghost, friendly helper, and limited God? I have "defined" God within my terms and do or do not do according to the God I've made Him to be rather than the God He is.

The Box I Built for God as my Father:
I have become convinced that fathers play an important and vital role in any child's life. This in no way to diminish the role of mothers or to start a debate of gender responsibility, child bearing, and the like. In marriage, men are called to be the head, just as Christ is the head of the church. A terrifying and humbling idea when you stop and think about what that means. Leadership, strength, obedience, service, humility, faith, discipline, and all the rest of the traits that one can use to describe Christ. Naturally, this leadership and service would extend beyond the confines of husband and wife, but to children of that family. Parents provide warmth, comfort, protection, food and direction. The first characteristics of God that a child sees when they enter this world. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. We live in a fallen and broken world where our own selfish desires take priority. Why? Because it's too much, more than we can handle on our own and that's why we need Him.

But who is He? What can He do? How much does He love us? Does He even love us? Maybe He just doesn't love me... and if He does, what if He decides not to anymore? Or maybe you're outlook is not that grim and He's just that magic genie who will grant your every wish and if He does not... then maybe He's not as powerful as He seems or maybe you don't believe enough for your wishes to be granted.

I don't know if this applies for all, but I feel that maybe it does. I'm no theologian, I have no seminary education (in fact, I'm still shy of my regular bachelor's), I wouldn't be in any preferred Christian clubs if they existed (real or unspoken), so all I have is what little wisdom I have from growing up in church and what God has placed on my heart and this has weighed on me as of late. Who I've made God out to be is a blend of what I've been taught, what has been revealed to me in church, my time with God... and who I am as a son of my earthly father.

Like I mentioned, I feel that parents, especially fathers, are to be an earthly representation of who God is... how we are to be loved, valued, cared for, protected, disciplined, guided, and shown how to love and honor God. With that said, I've realized how I interact with God and how that so strongly reflects how I relate with my flawed earthly father. I won't go into my father and his flaws because we are all flawed, but I have seen where God is not him and how I need to separate God from that.

The reason I write this is because I know I'm not the only one. I've seen it in my wife and in others as they worship and pray. It's not always bad though, and this isn't a father bashing session, but a realization of what "father" means and who God needs to be in our lives as the Father. I've seen people view God as friend, King, unmerciful ruler, strong, weak, lover, unloving, non-present, always there, not powerful enough, all powerful, Daddy, acquaintance, scholar, simple man,Mr. Fix-it, disappointed and unsatisfied, backup, last resort, protector, gentle strength, manly, womanly, laid back, strict, killer, Savior, prankster, non-responsive, childish, stuffy, hippie, judging, accepting, Republican, Democrat, Liberal, peacemaker, warmonger, lucky, unlucky, selfish, selfless, present, non-existent, lazy, hardworking, unconditional, conditional, bound to fail, unfailing, and so many more. So many times these views are created by the earthly fathers we have.

For me... I torture myself to please God, not to glorify Him, but for His "acceptance", though I am already His. I fear and hate failure, yet tear myself down the moment it happens. I wait to be made "perfect" so I can be worth something to Him. I leave Him to do my own thing, because I'm used to learning and figuring things out on my own. Because of this I leave Him at church and in my bible and isolate myself. I find comfort in solitude, but long for His companionship and discipleship. I long for Him to hold me in His arms and hug me, not metaphorically like a warm breeze, but physically. I want Him walking next to me and I actually want to look over and actually see Him.

I know for a fact that I will be a flawed father one day, but I hope and pray that I can exemplify enough of God for my family to see Him and to seek Him to know who He is and how much greater He is than me and that my flaws do not reflect who He is.

"God I need to believe that you love me and accept me for who I am now. You love me in sin and in failure. You lead me when there is total darkness and I feel alone and all I have is the light at my feet... not knowing what the next step will hold. I don't want to just touch your cloak, but to run and hug you tightly... and if I am unable to run to know that you will run after me. I pray that you will not let me close my mind to who You are and all that You are. Let me see Your truth and not what has been presented before me. I want the Holy Spirit to be my guide and not question where we are going and when we'll get there. I want to live more than a pop culture trend, the American dream, a social networking status, a "good life", or recognition of the world. Let me have faith to close my eyes, open wide my arms. Give me strength in You and in You alone. Let me please You and not the world. Let me see the facets of Your Fatherhood. Thank you for your forgiveness. Show me the way. Amen"